Feeling Alone In The Company Of Others

At times, when we are surrounded by others, we might feel alienated, disconnected from them and from what is going on around us. Even if we share the space with people we know or members of our community, it might feel like their presence highlights our isolation. Why do we feel alone in the presence of others?

What we learned to expect from the world 

Our early relationships with primary caregivers, usually our parents, shaped internal representations of ourselves and others. These internalized (mostly unconscious) mental images influence our relationships and emotional experiences through life. If, during infancy and early childhood, we experienced inconsistent or unresponsive caregiving, it can lead to the formation of insecure attachment patterns and a distorted sense of self and others.

Loneliness, in this context, can be seen as a manifestation of unresolved issues related to these internalized relations. If our early experiences were defined by caretakers who were too much (intrusive, impinging, or imposing their needs over us) or not enough (rejecting, abandoning, or emotionally absent), that might lead to long term struggles to form meaningful connections, creating a persistent sense of emotional isolation even when surrounded by people. Old fears of being abandoned or intruded upon, for example, can contribute to a pervasive feeling of loneliness as we find it hard to trust, connect, or be authentic.

Sometimes, because of painful experiences in our childhood, we found ways to protect ourselves from feeling loss, hurt, or fear. For example, we may unconsciously repress feelings of vulnerability and dependency, creating a façade of independence and self-sufficiency. This defensive strategy may protect us from the perceived threats and the anxiety they elicit, but it can also hinder genuine emotional connection.

Loneliness can be fueled by unconscious fantasies, developed during our childhood, of rejection, betrayal, or abandonment. These fears will color our perceptions and define what we learned to anticipate from others. At times, this kind of process leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, as our guarded stance may keep others at bay, reinforcing a sense of isolation.

The relationship we keep with ourselves

Early experiences characterized by insecurity, inconsistency, neglect, or abuse, impact not only what we learn to anticipate from the world. More importantly, they inform the relationship with ourselves, as we may internalize a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness, or deep-seated shame. If we are rejected or mistreated, our mind might need to believe that it is because there is something fundamentally wrong or bad about ourselves.

We might experience an internal conflict between the desire for connection and the fear of rejection. We may feel split inside, with a part of us longing for intimacy and connection, while the other embodies fears of abandonment. This internal conflict can create a profound sense of loneliness, as we vacillate between the desire for closeness and the fear of being hurt.

Some aspects of this kind of conflict, such as fear of dependence or longing to be loved, might remain as disconnected, dissociated aspects of our experience. This might lead us to feel detached from our own wishes and desires, leaving a persistent void that cannot be filled by surrounding us by other people. The more we become distant from ourselves, the more likely it is that we will feel distant from others.

In this way, disruptions in the development of a cohesive sense of self can be at the root of this experience. As children, for example, we depend on our caregivers offering us attuned “mirroring” in order to develop a sense of who we are. When this is inadequate or inconsistent, we may struggle to develop a stable and cohesive sense of self.

In the company of others, this can lead to a profound sense of isolation, as we may unconsciously doubt whether others value us. We may seek constant validation from others, creating a sense of dependency that hides a fragile sense of self. Since our individual's identity becomes contingent on external sources of validation, feeling a genuine connection with others is challenging.

Unspoken desires, unthinkable traumas, or existential voids that resist expression might leave us with a sense of incompletion as we confront our inability to convey the depth of our subjective experiences. Our wishes for closeness with others must be met with the realities of others as separate beings. This can lead to a constant sense of inadequacy and an inherent lack, contributing to the experience of loneliness even in the presence of others.

How Can Therapy Help?

The experience of feeling alone in the company of other people can find its roots deep into our psyche and our history. Whether the result of traumatic experiences, a neglectful childhood, early experiences of loss and rejection, or the tension between our longings and our limitations, the experience involves unconscious aspects of the relationship with ourselves and others.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy can help disentangle these earlier and opaque dynamics, making sense of the impact of these early experiences on current feelings of inadequacy and isolation. Working with a therapist that recognizes the depth and complexity of your experience can support the development of a more cohesive sense of self, from which new ways of relating, defined by increased authenticity and agency, can emerge. If you would like to discuss these experiences or schedule an appointment for depression therapy with one of our Chicago therapists, please contact us today.

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Photo credit: Geoffroy Hauwen